My Testimony of Callings in the LDS Church

Over my adult years, I've held different callings ranging from "Sewing Committee Member"- a calling I thought was silly and ridiculous - to Relief Society President and many in between. I have been part of a RS Presidency in a brand new ward where we had to come up with every calling and assign all visiting teaching from scratch. I have, at times, not felt that my calling was very significant (cough, sewing committee, cough cough   ), but the older I get and the more callings I have, my testimony of callings is growing. 

Especially in the new ward when I had to be part of a lot of calling decisions, but also in other callings since then, I know that sometimes logic is relied upon when calling someone to serve. The logical way to set up visiting teaching that the RS President in the brand new ward decided to use was starting at the ends of the alphabet and assigning pairs by last name. Often, when someone moves out and someone else moves in, it makes sense to put the new sister in the old one's place. But sometimes it didn't feel right, and so the presidencies I've participated in would move a few sisters around until we felt comfortable. In my most recent calling, a new Primary Presidency was called and one of the counselors the President felt she should call was due to have a baby in less than 3 weeks. I was called to serve as RS President less than 2 months after my first baby was born. I have a cousin who serves as RS President in a branch in the midwest that is struggling, and she has very few reliable people to help her as counselors and many of the other callings she needs to fill. It is a hard calling for her. 

I think a lot of people in the church view callings as on some sort of totem pole. They think that the more "important" the calling, the more spiritual the person, and if you never reach "bishop" or "district leader" or whatever that you must not be spiritual enough. I've been around some of these people recently and it makes me sad that they see things that way. 

I believe that every calling given to us is from God and is for our good (if we choose to view it that way, which I did not do with "sewing committee"), and that there is a reason we were given that calling or that visiting teacher partner. The reason could be because God needs a strong individual to lead a group of His children (such as in the case of my cousin). The reason could be because you have a certain experience that will help just one of God's children in a very specific way (such as in the case of a story I heard recently about a RS President who reached out to one sister in the ward struggling with infertility who knew what it was like because she'd had struggles herself). The reason could be because you need the calling to help you grow (such as my current calling in Primary where I must learn to appreciate and have love for the Senior Primary age kids  ). The reason could be because many people will look up to you and will gain strength from your leadership or your talk in a variety of ways. 

The way my testimony has changed recently is this: I believe this applies not only to ward or stake callings, but also to the general callings of the church. Because I believe so strongly in callings and visiting teaching companionship pairings and such, I don't know why I've never extended the same belief to the general authorities in the church. We see them as such amazing men and women who share such spiritual talks and insights and we put them on a pedestal sometimes. But if I believe that God called me to be in Primary right now to help me grow, or to maybe help me touch one kid's life, or whatever the reason, why would that not also apply to God calling President Monson as our Prophet? When he passes away, another will take his place. Which means that there are others who could be Prophet right at this moment, but they aren't because God chose President Monson and he is the prophet right now. Some of the women in the General Presidencies of the Church have shared much loved and appreciated words about addiction and heartache and healing recently. Who's to say God didn't call them simply because they understand us and they know us and we need to hear strength and wisdom from them? What if these experiences as a well known person in the church are mostly to help them grow as a person? 

I have to believe that if God extends my callings for certain reasons, He also extends your callings and partnerships for certain reasons, and that He also calls other men and women clear up into the General Authorities of the Church to their callings for certain reasons as well.

I am a Utah Mormon.

I read an article today talking about how when people use the term "Utah Mormon" they are never referring to themselves. It's always used in a slightly condescending way to point out how much like a "Utah Mormon" someone else is or how unlike a "Utah Mormon" you are. So apparently, being a Utah Mormon is undesirable.

I'll admit that at times, I've not wanted to be considered a "Utah Mormon" either, even though I grew up in the state, loved it, have a very deep love for Provo and BYU, and feel like I am doing my best to be a good member of the church. But my perspective on "Utah Mormons" has suddenly changed with my very life-altering and very recent move to Minneapolis. I'm pretty sure I'm about as 100% "Utah Mormon" as they come. 

Being in a different state after living in Utah pretty much your whole life is weird. Just plain weird. Yeah, my family went on vacations out of state, my honeymoon was in the Bahamas, it's not like I never left Utah. But I always had Utah to go back to after the fun was over. My little safe haven of my Mormon family, my Mormon friends, and, heck, even Mormon strangers walking around everywhere was always there once I'd experienced a little taste from the outside world. And those little tastes were enough for me. 

Sure, I have a nice ward here and family is close, which are two big blessings that I couldn't live without, and there's still my husband and my son and we still do the same religious things we did when we lived in Utah. But here, it feels like no one else around me shares my beliefs. I'm not expecting them to, either. I knew moving away from Utah would be different. I knew that wherever we moved would have a smaller LDS population than I'm used to. I knew that we would be walking into a place very different from the places I've called home most of my life. 

What I didn't know... was that I don't know how to not be a "Utah Mormon." 

I didn't know what it would feel like walking through a store and not recognizing someone from church or school. I didn't know what it would be like driving through a city that has different churches on every corner! Every one! I didn't know how it would feel to be holed up in our hotel room, thinking about how very small and very insignificant I feel in a place where I am, and all the things I hold dear are, very small and very insignificant.

I'm not saying that life outside of Utah is harder. I've heard many times over that there are pros and cons to living inside of Utah and to living outside of Utah. I'm just saying that this girl, this very very Utah Mormon girl, is very very outside of her comfort zone and has so much to learn about the world and about herself. Wish me luck.

Things That Are Good vs. Things That Are Hard

Since my baby was born 5 weeks ago, I have struggled to love my new role as a parent. I've told people, "I was ready to have a baby; I wasn't ready to be a parent." For those of you say there is no way to prepare for parenthood, I completely agree, but let me explain.

During the time I was pregnant, there were many things I thought I understood that I realized after I gave birth that I had grossly underestimated. Let me tell you about some of those things, and maybe anyone who is currently pregnant can learn something from what I would tell myself if I could go back.

1. I kept telling my husband that I wanted to make our time together a priority, because once the baby came, we wouldn't be able to do as much. I totally understood that going out to see a movie would be out of the question for a while, because the baby would have to eat and it's quiet in a movie and people just don't generally take babies to see movies. What I didn't understand was that our time together before the baby was SO precious! I didn't realize that we wouldn't be able to even leave the house together without the baby- didn't even cross my mind. Once our son was born, we couldn't even just take a walk around the block without the baby. We have to be taking care of him 100% of the time. Thank goodness to both of our  moms who stayed with us for a little bit, allowing us to do something like walk around the block so we could talk about how hard it was going to be to even walk around the block together!
If I Could Go Back... I would try to get myself to understand what leaving the house means when you have a baby. It is a whole new ballgame. You've got a ton of stuff to pack "just in case," you have to pay attention to the time of your outings to make sure baby will be able to be fed before, after, or during your outing, and you will need to make sure baby is allowed to go to such places (you now have a third person going with you, and plays or dance concerts may be hard to attend with this third little person who couldn't care less about what was going on onstage).
I also wish I could go back and tell myself soon after having my baby that life can go on with a baby. I would explain that the more I practice going out, the easier it will get, and that I just need to do it! My life doesn't have to be over just because I have a baby, it just is very different, and I need to learn how to have my life still with my baby. That realization has helped me so much in the past week!
2. I understood that choosing breastfeeding over formula meant I would need to feed the baby every 2-3 hours. What I didn't understand was that every 2-3 hours means from the start of the last feeding to the start of the next one. Meaning, you may only get an hour of time not feeding your baby before baby is hungry again. Sometimes you're lucky and you may get two hours, but you can't ever bank on two hours, because babies are inconsistent.
If I Could Go Back... I would make sure I understand that breastfeeding will give me between 1-2 hours of free time, not 2-3. Babies eat often, and that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make, but I want to make sure I understand that I won't be getting the amount of time I thought I would. I may also try to realize that I would just have to start doing things in spurts- starting a project and finishing it later, getting some extra sleep here and taking a shower during the next break. I would also like to include some knowledge on breastfeeding in public to help me adjust more to my new schedule and enjoy leaving the house a bit more.
3. I understood that breastfeeding is recommended for the baby because your body can adjust to his needs and that breast milk is "liquid gold" and that it is much cheaper. I didn't understand that breastfeeding would be hard and that it might hurt! I knew the first couple weeks might hurt, but I wasn't prepared for the pains of thrush or clogged ducts or milk blisters or vasospasms. No one told me breastfeeding was hard; just that it had so many benefits.
If I Could Go Back... I would try to be more informed on the hard aspects of breastfeeding and realize that most women experience one or more painful breastfeeding experience(s). I would also like to know that it is possible to live through the bad breastfeeding experiences and find ways to make it more comfortable.
4. I heard that you should keep a baby home for a few weeks so they don't get sick. I didn't realize that meant keeping the baby away from most events where there might be more than 10 people. Because my baby was in the NICU for a few days, we were told to keep him away from public places for the first 4-8 weeks. They said if he happened to get sick, he would have to go right back to the NICU. Not only was church out for a while, but the store, family events, baby showers, etc. were all included in that description.
If I Could Go Back... I would clear my schedule from when I had the baby til at least 4 weeks out, just because you may not feel like going anywhere, or you may realize that more people than you'd like will be touching your baby, passing on germs that may cause baby to get sick. I would try to explain to myself that while I might feel well and just bursting to leave the house, I need to think about my baby's needs and understand that he may not be able to go out. This also brings up a point that I will need time now and then when daddy, or maybe a family member or trusted friend can watch the baby, so that I can get out of the house and keep my sanity while also keeping my brand new baby safe.
5. I'd heard people mention "baby blues" and "postpartum depression." But I never expected to experience it myself! I figured I was a happy person and that I'd never had serious depression and so postpartum depression didn't worry me. Even in the hospital, when the social worker came around to talk to me about these feelings and how they were normal, I dismissed his whole speech, figuring that I would be fine - I felt fine then and I wasn't expecting to feel any different at home! I was sure surprised when I felt like crying ALL THE TIME and when I would cry for absolutely no reason at all. Luckily, I think I just had baby blues, because I've felt a lot more positive since getting past the first bit.
If I Could Go Back... I would prepare by stocking up the refrigerator, freezer, and pantry with my favorite comfort foods. I would make sure I had a few movies or TV series picked out to start watching. I would find 2-3 really good friends who are mommies to talk to and cry to and just listen to me. I was so lucky to have so many great women reach out to me this time around, and I appreciated it so much! I would also get the hang of the breast pump AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, because leaving the house with my husband for a date night while mother or mother-in-law was there would have been so good for me. Baby had bottles in the NICU anyway; it's not like waiting til 4 weeks after the NICU would have changed a whole lot, I think.

That's all for now!

A New Blogging Start!

Since having my baby, I have really been thinking about blogging, and when I logged into my account today to get started, I realized I started a blog last year around this time, and had a couple other posts written up that I'd never published because we were trying to get pregnant but hadn't told anyone yet. So they are published now, and I'm ready to start blogging for real this time! 

Part of the reason I failed at blogging last time was because just after I found out I was pregnant, I got a new job! It was full time and my life went from super boring with part time work to super busy with full time work. I really enjoyed my job and I was so blessed for the opportunity to work there! I'll be going back part time in a couple of weeks, so once again, my life is full. But I will try to be more diligent with my blogging this time. I need it, and who knows, someone out there may need it too!

So here's to a new beginning with blogging!

I'm Pregnant!

I am so very happy to say that we are expecting a baby in April 2015! This is a dream come true for us, and I am so blessed. I'm going to wait to post this until after we've reached the 12-14 weeks, but I want to write about it now!

For the past few weeks, I've suddenly had a strong urge to urinate much more frequently. I've been feeling slightly sick pretty much all the time, and I have been more tired than usual. I began to expect that I was pregnant from the time I believe I conceived. I just had a feeling that I was, and all the symptoms and weirdness I have been feeling just added to that suspicion. I was thinking maybe I was making it all up, and maybe it was all in my head, but it's not! This morning, I took a pregnancy test, and it came back positive!!! I am so excited and I can't decide if I even want to tell anybody but I am bursting with the news!

If the online calculators are right, our baby will be due right around April 4, 2015. My first concern is that I better not be having my baby on April 1. No April Fool's baby for me. My second is that this kid might have to share a birthday with Easter every few years. In fact, I looked it up and April 4 was Easter Sunday in 2010 and 1999, and the next expected time that Easter will fall on April 4 is 2021. Also, this baby might be celebrating birthdays during General Conference weekend, which might be a super awesome birthday present every year, but also might leave less time for celebration. On the up side, family is more likely to get together for Conference, so maybe that will be a great thing and we will see family a lot! Either way, I am excited for this baby to be born, no matter what time of year.

At this point, it would be so much fun to have a girl, but Spencer and I are both hoping for a boy. I always wished I had an older brother, and I am just feeling like a boy might be just what this family needs. I have also always thought that I wouldn't want to know the gender of my baby, but Spencer isn't quite so convinced that we should wait. My mom didn't find out my gender and it was so exciting for her to find out at the birth! We will see once we get closer to that time.

Anyway, there is the announcement! I can't wait to see what pregnancy is like and I am so glad to be looking forward to having a baby in our home!

Monthly Disappointments: The Negative Pregnancy Test

I've never had a miscarriage. But I have felt the disappointment of not being able to conceive. The worst part about pregnancy tests is that you get excited for a few weeks, noticing small changes about your life that may indicate pregnancy, and until the last minute, you are filled with hope. Those few weeks of anticipation are the same every month. You can't match the excitement of the desire to be a mother, and the possibility that it might be true. And it all rides on that little test strip. You pee on the strip with the excitement of the past few weeks building you up. You wait the three minutes it says, convincing yourself that this might be it, and remembering all the little things you've noticed that have been different about your month this time. And then you peek, and all you see is this:

There's not even a faint possibility that this could be incorrect. There's not a faint second line. In fact, the entire viewing area is perfectly white, except that devastating dark pink line that says so little and yet changes every thought you've had for the last few weeks. It takes away your confidence to identify changes in your body. And when it is your first time, you don't know what to expect. Some women don't have morning sickness at all, and others crave certain foods. Even if you could talk to someone about it, it is hard to tell a secret like this to someone until you're sure you're pregnant. What if something goes wrong? What if everything they tell you doesn't happen to you during pregnancy? Or what if you tell someone and they keep bringing it up, constantly reminding you of each and every negative pregnancy test result you've had? 

I just had one of those monthly disappointments. My husband and I want a baby so badly! We've been talking a lot about names and I've been double checking due date possibilities and ovulation calculators to make sure we had our best chance, and I've noticed little things about my body that seem to be different, but it seems that I made them up in my head. It just sucks. 

Anyway, the only explanation is that it isn't quite my time yet. But I wanted to share this because I'm sure other women have dealt with this, maybe even in larger cases where they try forever and later find out they are infertile. I think it is something that any woman who desires motherhood has felt, and we can all share our experiences!

First Post: Life In All Its Stages

Well here it goes! I am going to be a blogger. Maybe this will help me fill my time now that I have so much of it.

The first thing I want to post about is life, and all its stages. First of all, I'm certain that days get shorter and years fly by the more you grow up. Serious! I feel like the first like 17 years of my life took FOREVER, and now the last few have gone by in a couple blinks. Pretty sure this is going to be scientifically proven sometime soon. If not, I might have to help research along with a scientific discovery of my own.
Which is why it is so important to treasure each moment of your life! It makes me so sad when people are not happy with the time of life they are in. We will never achieve happiness if we don't create happiness on our own. Sure, we can't be extremely happy every single day, but we can strive to be as happy as we can on MOST days. This means accepting the time of life we are in, and enjoying it to the fullest.
The worst category of upset people are those in Utah County who believe that life will not be worth anything until they are married. So many people have said to me that I'm so lucky I'm married, with a sad, faraway look in their eyes. Funny thing is, there are times when I wish I wasn't married! Don't get me wrong; I love my husband, and I am so happy that we are married. But sometimes, husbands just don't measure up to a group of girls giggling about the guys they like, staying up late watching chick flicks and watching sappy romantic movies that bring tears to the eye. I must admit, my husband has watched some pretty sappy movies with me, and he has even liked some of them okay. But he doesn't crave more tears after a sad story like The Notebook or feel his heart flutter when the main characters finally kiss. It's just not the same watching a chick flick with a man. Husbands are quite wonderful when you realize that you've actually lived a fairy tale, and that he is your knight in shining armor, and you become very grateful that you are no longer on that hunt for the perfect man, wishing that he would ask you on a date. Although, I still dream about my wedding day on occasion.
Anyway, my main thing is, be happy with where you are at in life. Everyone can work on this a little bit. I challenge you to try to make the most of your life as it is, and let yourself be happy with whatever you have been given. It's worth it!