Monthly Disappointments: The Negative Pregnancy Test

I've never had a miscarriage. But I have felt the disappointment of not being able to conceive. The worst part about pregnancy tests is that you get excited for a few weeks, noticing small changes about your life that may indicate pregnancy, and until the last minute, you are filled with hope. Those few weeks of anticipation are the same every month. You can't match the excitement of the desire to be a mother, and the possibility that it might be true. And it all rides on that little test strip. You pee on the strip with the excitement of the past few weeks building you up. You wait the three minutes it says, convincing yourself that this might be it, and remembering all the little things you've noticed that have been different about your month this time. And then you peek, and all you see is this:

There's not even a faint possibility that this could be incorrect. There's not a faint second line. In fact, the entire viewing area is perfectly white, except that devastating dark pink line that says so little and yet changes every thought you've had for the last few weeks. It takes away your confidence to identify changes in your body. And when it is your first time, you don't know what to expect. Some women don't have morning sickness at all, and others crave certain foods. Even if you could talk to someone about it, it is hard to tell a secret like this to someone until you're sure you're pregnant. What if something goes wrong? What if everything they tell you doesn't happen to you during pregnancy? Or what if you tell someone and they keep bringing it up, constantly reminding you of each and every negative pregnancy test result you've had? 

I just had one of those monthly disappointments. My husband and I want a baby so badly! We've been talking a lot about names and I've been double checking due date possibilities and ovulation calculators to make sure we had our best chance, and I've noticed little things about my body that seem to be different, but it seems that I made them up in my head. It just sucks. 

Anyway, the only explanation is that it isn't quite my time yet. But I wanted to share this because I'm sure other women have dealt with this, maybe even in larger cases where they try forever and later find out they are infertile. I think it is something that any woman who desires motherhood has felt, and we can all share our experiences!