I am a Utah Mormon.

I read an article today talking about how when people use the term "Utah Mormon" they are never referring to themselves. It's always used in a slightly condescending way to point out how much like a "Utah Mormon" someone else is or how unlike a "Utah Mormon" you are. So apparently, being a Utah Mormon is undesirable.

I'll admit that at times, I've not wanted to be considered a "Utah Mormon" either, even though I grew up in the state, loved it, have a very deep love for Provo and BYU, and feel like I am doing my best to be a good member of the church. But my perspective on "Utah Mormons" has suddenly changed with my very life-altering and very recent move to Minneapolis. I'm pretty sure I'm about as 100% "Utah Mormon" as they come. 

Being in a different state after living in Utah pretty much your whole life is weird. Just plain weird. Yeah, my family went on vacations out of state, my honeymoon was in the Bahamas, it's not like I never left Utah. But I always had Utah to go back to after the fun was over. My little safe haven of my Mormon family, my Mormon friends, and, heck, even Mormon strangers walking around everywhere was always there once I'd experienced a little taste from the outside world. And those little tastes were enough for me. 

Sure, I have a nice ward here and family is close, which are two big blessings that I couldn't live without, and there's still my husband and my son and we still do the same religious things we did when we lived in Utah. But here, it feels like no one else around me shares my beliefs. I'm not expecting them to, either. I knew moving away from Utah would be different. I knew that wherever we moved would have a smaller LDS population than I'm used to. I knew that we would be walking into a place very different from the places I've called home most of my life. 

What I didn't know... was that I don't know how to not be a "Utah Mormon." 

I didn't know what it would feel like walking through a store and not recognizing someone from church or school. I didn't know what it would be like driving through a city that has different churches on every corner! Every one! I didn't know how it would feel to be holed up in our hotel room, thinking about how very small and very insignificant I feel in a place where I am, and all the things I hold dear are, very small and very insignificant.

I'm not saying that life outside of Utah is harder. I've heard many times over that there are pros and cons to living inside of Utah and to living outside of Utah. I'm just saying that this girl, this very very Utah Mormon girl, is very very outside of her comfort zone and has so much to learn about the world and about herself. Wish me luck.

Things That Are Good vs. Things That Are Hard

Since my baby was born 5 weeks ago, I have struggled to love my new role as a parent. I've told people, "I was ready to have a baby; I wasn't ready to be a parent." For those of you say there is no way to prepare for parenthood, I completely agree, but let me explain.

During the time I was pregnant, there were many things I thought I understood that I realized after I gave birth that I had grossly underestimated. Let me tell you about some of those things, and maybe anyone who is currently pregnant can learn something from what I would tell myself if I could go back.

1. I kept telling my husband that I wanted to make our time together a priority, because once the baby came, we wouldn't be able to do as much. I totally understood that going out to see a movie would be out of the question for a while, because the baby would have to eat and it's quiet in a movie and people just don't generally take babies to see movies. What I didn't understand was that our time together before the baby was SO precious! I didn't realize that we wouldn't be able to even leave the house together without the baby- didn't even cross my mind. Once our son was born, we couldn't even just take a walk around the block without the baby. We have to be taking care of him 100% of the time. Thank goodness to both of our  moms who stayed with us for a little bit, allowing us to do something like walk around the block so we could talk about how hard it was going to be to even walk around the block together!
If I Could Go Back... I would try to get myself to understand what leaving the house means when you have a baby. It is a whole new ballgame. You've got a ton of stuff to pack "just in case," you have to pay attention to the time of your outings to make sure baby will be able to be fed before, after, or during your outing, and you will need to make sure baby is allowed to go to such places (you now have a third person going with you, and plays or dance concerts may be hard to attend with this third little person who couldn't care less about what was going on onstage).
I also wish I could go back and tell myself soon after having my baby that life can go on with a baby. I would explain that the more I practice going out, the easier it will get, and that I just need to do it! My life doesn't have to be over just because I have a baby, it just is very different, and I need to learn how to have my life still with my baby. That realization has helped me so much in the past week!
2. I understood that choosing breastfeeding over formula meant I would need to feed the baby every 2-3 hours. What I didn't understand was that every 2-3 hours means from the start of the last feeding to the start of the next one. Meaning, you may only get an hour of time not feeding your baby before baby is hungry again. Sometimes you're lucky and you may get two hours, but you can't ever bank on two hours, because babies are inconsistent.
If I Could Go Back... I would make sure I understand that breastfeeding will give me between 1-2 hours of free time, not 2-3. Babies eat often, and that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make, but I want to make sure I understand that I won't be getting the amount of time I thought I would. I may also try to realize that I would just have to start doing things in spurts- starting a project and finishing it later, getting some extra sleep here and taking a shower during the next break. I would also like to include some knowledge on breastfeeding in public to help me adjust more to my new schedule and enjoy leaving the house a bit more.
3. I understood that breastfeeding is recommended for the baby because your body can adjust to his needs and that breast milk is "liquid gold" and that it is much cheaper. I didn't understand that breastfeeding would be hard and that it might hurt! I knew the first couple weeks might hurt, but I wasn't prepared for the pains of thrush or clogged ducts or milk blisters or vasospasms. No one told me breastfeeding was hard; just that it had so many benefits.
If I Could Go Back... I would try to be more informed on the hard aspects of breastfeeding and realize that most women experience one or more painful breastfeeding experience(s). I would also like to know that it is possible to live through the bad breastfeeding experiences and find ways to make it more comfortable.
4. I heard that you should keep a baby home for a few weeks so they don't get sick. I didn't realize that meant keeping the baby away from most events where there might be more than 10 people. Because my baby was in the NICU for a few days, we were told to keep him away from public places for the first 4-8 weeks. They said if he happened to get sick, he would have to go right back to the NICU. Not only was church out for a while, but the store, family events, baby showers, etc. were all included in that description.
If I Could Go Back... I would clear my schedule from when I had the baby til at least 4 weeks out, just because you may not feel like going anywhere, or you may realize that more people than you'd like will be touching your baby, passing on germs that may cause baby to get sick. I would try to explain to myself that while I might feel well and just bursting to leave the house, I need to think about my baby's needs and understand that he may not be able to go out. This also brings up a point that I will need time now and then when daddy, or maybe a family member or trusted friend can watch the baby, so that I can get out of the house and keep my sanity while also keeping my brand new baby safe.
5. I'd heard people mention "baby blues" and "postpartum depression." But I never expected to experience it myself! I figured I was a happy person and that I'd never had serious depression and so postpartum depression didn't worry me. Even in the hospital, when the social worker came around to talk to me about these feelings and how they were normal, I dismissed his whole speech, figuring that I would be fine - I felt fine then and I wasn't expecting to feel any different at home! I was sure surprised when I felt like crying ALL THE TIME and when I would cry for absolutely no reason at all. Luckily, I think I just had baby blues, because I've felt a lot more positive since getting past the first bit.
If I Could Go Back... I would prepare by stocking up the refrigerator, freezer, and pantry with my favorite comfort foods. I would make sure I had a few movies or TV series picked out to start watching. I would find 2-3 really good friends who are mommies to talk to and cry to and just listen to me. I was so lucky to have so many great women reach out to me this time around, and I appreciated it so much! I would also get the hang of the breast pump AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, because leaving the house with my husband for a date night while mother or mother-in-law was there would have been so good for me. Baby had bottles in the NICU anyway; it's not like waiting til 4 weeks after the NICU would have changed a whole lot, I think.

That's all for now!